How to Make Friends At Kink Events

You know that feeling when you’re about to join a new space, event, club, or activity, and your mind floods with questions like, “Will I be the only new person there?”, “Will I fit in?” and “Will anyone even talk to me?” You probably already know these fears are normal but knowing that doesn’t always make them easier to overcome and will help you make friends.

Since lockdown, many of us have experienced a dip in our social confidence, making it harder to connect in person. But there’s great news: making friends and building connections isn’t magic; it’s a skill you can practice and improve over time. Here, we share ten practical tips to help you make meaningful friendships at kink events and make stepping into these new spaces a positive and enjoyable experience.

1. Leave assumptions at the door

It’s easy to think you’ll be the only newcomer at an event, but that rarely turns out to be true. If you assume that others already know each other well, you might feel excluded before you’ve even started. Remember, many attendees will be feeling exactly like you—excited, nervous, and eager to meet new people.

2. Arrive early

Getting there early helps you settle in, familiarise yourself with the environment, and build comfort gradually. You might even get a chance to chat with organisers and other early birds, which often results in easier and more organic conversations. Being one of the first there can also position you as a friendly face for others arriving after you.

3. Find a role

Helping out at an event even in small ways like setting up, clearing tables, or welcoming guests can significantly ease social anxiety. Having a task provides a natural icebreaker and instantly makes you part of the team, facilitating comfortable interactions with others.

4. Take the first step

It might feel daunting, but taking initiative is one of the quickest ways to make new friends. If you see a group chatting, politely ask to join. If someone else is standing alone, go and introduce yourself. Organisers and volunteers are usually especially welcoming and can offer useful introductions. And remember: queues at events are perfect opportunities for casual conversations—some lifelong friendships start in the line for coffee or the loo!

5. Avoid frenzy and impatience

You might feel eager to make immediate connections, make friends, or play partnerships, but quality relationships usually grow over time. Focus on genuine interactions rather than immediate results. Authentic connections are worth the patience.

6. Be consistently present

The more you attend events, the more familiar you’ll become to others. Being recognised helps foster a feeling of community. Friendships usually deepen gradually, so regular attendance makes you a part of the event’s ongoing story, enhancing your chances to make friends.

7. Set realistic expectations

Avoid setting overly ambitious goals for your first few events. Instead of expecting immediate play or deep friendships, aim for achievable targets like attending, staying for an hour, or talking to two new people. Achieving smaller milestones boosts confidence, making larger goals feel less daunting over time.

8. Overcome dependence with practical skills

Developing a basic skill, like learning simple rope techniques, can ease feelings of social anxiety and provide common ground with others. Even basic knowledge makes you feel more confident and increases your engagement opportunities. Many kink communities offer workshops or online resources—Shibari Study or attending local workshops can be great starting points.

9. Find common ground—but avoid oversharing

Discovering others who share your interests can be exhilarating, especially if you’ve waited a long time to discuss certain topics openly. However, be cautious about oversharing personal details or trauma too soon. Similarly, try to engage beyond just kink and sex; ask about hobbies, favourite films, or recent adventures. Treating others as complete individuals leads to more authentic and balanced friendships.

10. Own your experience to make friends

It’s tempting to look for someone to guide you through your first few experiences, but not everyone is comfortable with mentorship roles. Some of the strongest friendships come from connecting with others who are at the same experience level as you, exploring the community and supporting each other along the way. Remember, structured events can only offer so much support—it’s ultimately your responsibility to take the initiative to engage, ask questions, or simply observe until you’re comfortable.

Bonus Resources:

• FetLife – Connect with local kink communities, find events, and meet new friends.
• PinkNews Guide: How to Navigate Your First Kink Event – More practical tips for beginners attending kink events.

Remember, stepping into kink spaces should feel empowering, exciting, and safe. Friendships take time, but every interaction you have brings you one step closer to building your chosen community. See you at the next event! 😊